ableknife

2009-10-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

a bevy of verses opened my eyes this morning.
some were from proverbs and some from psalm.
the opening was not so much a function of how they related to my belief in the Bible, but how they related to my skepticism of it.

there has been a deep internal struggle for the past few months that has grown heavier, thicker and more ambiguous everyday. it's both beautiful to delve into the mysteries of life, and scary to realize that you can never fully grasp it. and yet, i try. we try. it's that Human Condition.

i had a pseduo-Christian upbringing, as it wasn't until i was in my teens that it became a serious part of our family life, and especially my life. like most young Christians in the throws of youth and culture, i was naive; probably still am.
your spatial awareness is all whacked. most have not yet been exposed to other things, other places or other ideas than those of their parents and immediate family. hence the often chaotic, confusing and dark times of the early 20's...at least among those that i know.

i don't believe exactly as i did 10 or 15 years ago. more than really knowing anything, i just wonder...a lot.
i still vacillate between two dogmatic realms, finding that the ideas and beliefs really are the same. there are different methods of going about it all. there is Jesus, whom I cling to first, and there is the Self, consciousness, Allah, Buddha, etc. all are working towards God, and all claim different avenues to achieve that transcendence.

i am fairly confident in the belief that I am not so sure about Jesus being the One and only way, or at least not in the traditional sense that i was raised with. then again, i don't know. i believe in absolutes, right and wrong, black and white, and yet, find there are is a lot more gray area as i age.

that's where the struggle comes in. where is It absolute, and where is It gray?

even though i am moving more towards a stance of being OK with the unknown, there is an innate part of me that REALLY wants to know, that feels i SHOULD know, and that i am silly, or even foolish, for not knowing. i used to feel so certain.

i say all this in leading up to some things i have read recently, which have confirmed all the more, how similar we all are, not just in human experience, but in simple beliefs.

as a part of my yoga therapy training, i am reading a book called The Forgotten Body, by Elissa Cobb. she was actually the lovely lady that lead the training i just went to. her book basically takes the stance that the body holds many of the answers about who we are, and why, but gets lost in the mess of life. we see ourselves, our bodies, souls, minds, etc., all as separate entities, rather being body, being mind, spirit, etc. it goes a whole lot deeper and i am not going to pretend to be able to explain it here, but the reason i bring it up is a conversation that i had with jared the other day...

i was telling him about some of the ideas the book sets forth, about seeing ourselves as a whole, with many parts, and he said that he didn't think the Bible could support it. i said that i thought it may be able to, which is something i am finding more and more as i get out of the Christian bubble to explore what other people really do say.

this isn't about either of us being right or wrong...really, there is a point.

anyway, as i was reading the Bible this morning (which i try to make a ritual everyday), i came across a verse in Psalm 6:3 that stopped me in my tracks, not so much for its wording as its context:

My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?

i always read the text notes that the verses offer, and enjoy finding other references throughout the Bible that can further illuminate the mysteries of God.

when i read the text notes on this verse, i nearly peed my pants. without looking for it, i found something huge.

here is what the text note says, from the NIV version:

soul.Not a spiritual aspect in distinction from the physical, nor the psalmist's "inner" being in distinction from his "outer" being, but his very self as a living, conscious, personal being. Its use in conjunction with "bones" [in psalm 6:2] did not for the Hebrew writer involve reference to two distinct entities but constituted for him two ways of referring to himself, as is the case also in the combination "soul" and "body".

jared happened to be in bed next to me, and i read it to him. he didn't have much to say except "interesting". really, what can you say? in light of all these things i am reading, which look so opposite from the outside, there is a thread of similarity that is uncanny.

the funny part is that in the book by Elissa, she nicely brushes off the way Christians look at the body. i am guessing that she didn't read into this verse.

so, there it is. a bunch of background, but, i think, peppered with much to think about.

2009-10-26T19:12:00.001-07:00

slipping. thinking. drowning into a whole lot of wondering about everything.

i could read some books to get theories and ideas, or i could drown out the endless thoughts with t.v.

or i could do exactly what i am doing: writing and listening to mellow, emotional tunes by everyone from red house painters, to radiohead, to derek webb to yo la tengo.

there are others in my same boat. probably more than we'd all like to admit. i know it because i've read their longings and manifestos on what they think, or feel or hypothesize. and the thing is, they don't know either. and the second they think they do, they change. it's all back to that Human Condition.

i've been taking st. john's wort, which has never been a necessary alias for my brain. i am ok with it, especially if it helps the anxiety and melancholy that seem to be becoming ever heavier.

there's been a lot dug up in the past couple months. there have been a lot of very good realizations about my character and relationships. but that ever-so-soft simmer of emotions and feelings that have remained in the warm waters of denial have begun to bubble over in the boiling waters of reality.

i have bitterness and resentment and an uncanny amount of perfectionism that weighs me down every single day. it eats away, literally. it is impossible for me to be still. i hate it. really, i hate it.

it is impossible to enjoy a drama free existence. i realized this as i lay in my daughter's warm bed, in our perfect house, with the intoxicating scent of banana bread baking in the oven and a carefree night to do nothing ahead. i want, i crave excitement, movement, perpetual motion...even if it's negative. i don't have to sit in my shit.

i know i know....all of this is obvious and been hashed over a million times. i have just been in denial about being one of "those" people. i teach yoga for goodness sakes! i am looked at by students as some master of space, time and body awareness, fully capable of being conscious. i am not.

when i am alone, quiet, without immediate agenda, i am reminded of all the things i want to do, but am too scared to do. things like write and play songs, be in a band, be a writer, make photo albums, meditate and garden. but i don't.
the reality, that bubbling, oozing, scalding hot reality, is that i blame others, trying to make them the reason i feel incomplete. i find the slightest imperfections and mold them into fantastic stories in my mind, that make them the criminal and me the victim. classic narcissistic tendencies. yeah, i really love admitting that.

i have this husband who does all the gracious, loving, affectionate husbandly things, and yet, i am bored. when things are good, i am mad. i am sure there are all kinds of theories about that, but i'm no psychologist. somehow, he still loves me.

and there it is...love. that elusive thing that keeps us all going. the one thing that matters, that binds us together like sticky peanut butter and sweet jelly into one big, deliciously messy human sandwich.

maybe scientists can theorize away at how evolution works, or creationists can rationalize the great mystery of life. maybe they're both right. maybe not. but no amount of study or experimenting can teach us how or why love exists. it's just in there, deep in side, beating ever more the older we get.

i can find no other reason for love than the supernatural. i can find no better representation than Jesus.

when i smile, my organs feel an unexplainable energy that must make a shape like a smiling crescent moon.

writing always helps.

2009-10-25T14:20:00.001-07:00

what if the Fall were a true, historical event...the tree, the snake, God & all?

and what if our Human Condition, that nagging ache that seems to penetrate every human cell until death, was our ridiculous desire to know it all, to understand life and death, to comprehend the vastness of God and spirituality?

what if we let go of the need to be right and the fruitless pursuit of an answer to some of the unknowable things of the world, space & time, and simply rested in the Truth that there is Someone bigger, in all senses of the word, that IS omniscient, IS omnipotent, and IS omnipresent...and It isn't us?

what if we let go of trying to fully understand ourselves and our existence, simply knowing that God is somewhere within us, as an ambiguous lover, the part of ourselves that we will never fully grasp?

what if we simply stopped trying to be God, to ourselves and to others, to lay down our crowns of self-righteousness, betterment and transcendence, and simply rested in knowing that the Kingdom of God is within each one of us.

these are my thoughts today...and they do give me rest.

now to baseball.....

2009-10-16T11:19:00.001-07:00

while up in L.A. for my yoga therapy training, some unsettling news about my grandma's health emerged:
the cancer has spread into the brain and her time with us on earth was coming to a speedy end.

as life goes, it was convenient that i was in L.A., without anyone else, allowed to spend 3 evenings with my grandma sans interruptions.

after this news and some time with her, i wrote the following in my journal:

She said, "You're so beautiful...my first grandchild!", as she cupped my face with her full, warm hands. Her face lit up like a child's on Christmas. It was difficult to contain emotions and thankfully it was dark enough to mask the sadness on my face. My grandma Ana is dying. I suppose you could look at life as a continual preparation for death, no matter the age, but there comes a point when you say someone is 'dying' which connotes pain and suffering. To actually say the words aloud gives me a foreboding jolt. When I saw her today, my first inclination was that she really was dying. I suppose the image of her lasting forever was in fact proven wrong. She couldn't get out of bed. She can't eat. She sleeps all day. She's lost weight. She's dizzy. Her voice is completely altered.
I sat outside in the brisk, ocean air for a long while. It's always shocked me how dark it is when you leave the light of the house and venture out into the stillness of night at that house. I made a few phone calls that eventually led me into a slurry of tears. I could not control it.

A day full of physical opening, followed by the reality of my grandma's imminent death has left me sapped of all emotional strength. I sobbed all the way home and emptied myself of as much pain and resentment as I could. It felt good. I keep coming back to the divine irony of my training being her in L.A., at the time of my grandma's greatest need and at a time when I prayed for space. As I sat outside the house tonight, peering in through panels of glass, noticing all the nuances of their eclectic house, the photos, art, books and statues, I could feel death beginning to rest upon the house. There is no more soul in that house. Sadly, I think it was gone long ago. I stared at the gentle strands of tiny leaves on the pepper tree that we got married under. I thought of all the other weddings and celebrations that took place in that same lush place.

Where did it go?

And I realized that I just have to let go. Not just of this house and all the memories it holds, but of my unbelief, my resentment and fear. It serves me nothing.

I've been basking my whole life in the shadow of bitterness.
Even my grandma said it tonight, that I was not a happy 3 year old. That makes me sad. Really sad. But i'm not 3. I'm not 6. I'm not 21. I am right here, at 29. If I continue to harbor all of those 3 year old emotions, my adult self will never actualize adulthood. I am my own prison guard. But I am also my own liberator.

I can drive down PCH a million times, and recollect exact spots where life memories were made, and continue to try and grasp the shifting sand of memories from childhood. It's a fruitless endeavor to always be living in the past. So I shall try to be right here and be OK with that. I may have been a sad kid, but I don't have to be a sad adult.

2009-10-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

i think that it is time for a sabbatical.

Sab⋅bat⋅i⋅cal [suh-bat-i-kuhl]
–adjective
1. of or pertaining or appropriate to the Sabbath.
2. (lowercase) of or pertaining to a sabbatical year.
3. (lowercase) bringing a period of rest.
–noun
4. (lowercase) sabbatical year.
5. (lowercase) any extended period of leave from one's customary work, esp. for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc.

in another definition, it is noted that a sabbatical typically occurs every seventh year.

as more and more realizations slowly come bubbling to the surface, there is one that is abundantly clear and radiant, especially in this week that i prepare to embark on a new journey of education and training.

i need space.

even as i write this i am attempting to negotiate with my 3 year old daughter for 10 minutes of time to simply write. the deal that has been struck is i get to type, while watching sid the science kid, with chloe perched upon my right knee. sometimes we must settle, or relish, depending on how you look at it, for what we can get.

as a part of an emerging, yet to meet bookclub of other women in search of their role in contemporary american society, i have begun reading the ever popular Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. in one day i have consumed nearly 100 luscious pages of tales on travel, love, divorce and eating (note: 100 pages in a day may seem small to some, but for me, in need of space, that is quite a lot). while i definitely question her sort of egocentric take on life, kids and love, i equally empathize with her desire for space, not just physical, but mental. many of her accounts take me back (nearly 7 years) to a time when i, too, left everything behind, to get some space and do things that I wanted to do. i didn't travel for as long, or to as remote of places, but the similarity in sensations and revelations are uncanny.

i began lapping up every sentence as if i were a lonely nomad who just found a bubbling oasis in the middle of the sahara.

[break to look at a spiderman, i.e. minute fly creature in window]

then, i thought about how lovely it would be to have some time to write, reflect, rejuvenate, learn and fully absorb where i am at. that is exactly what i did in europe over 6 years ago. i could cut the loneliness with a knife at times, but could equally scream of love from the mountaintops of switzerland, just like the Buddhist monks that i saw there. it is the dichotomy of life, and travel, and even love.

there is something that occurs in our western society, a sort of denial of humanity, leading to a robotic state that ends up causing a monotonous cycle of joylessness topped with a cherry of bitterness.

we have forgotten that we are sentient beings.
i have forgotten that i am a sentient being

at about the 50th page of the book, it suddenly occurred to me that i am about to be granted that space. i have conjured up so much fear and anxiety about being away from my home, my husband, my daughter and daily routine, that i have completely negated what this experience is: a gift of time & space, a sabbath for the modern day woman.

all i could think about is how i need to do this to further my knowledge and paycheck. ha. how silly.

every experience in which we are allowed the space to think without distraction should be utterly relished.
we fear the quiet because everything that is true of ourselves is exposed to the elements, the elements of love, pain, spirituality, hopes and failures. surely, there are more elements, but those are the ones that permeate my core when i simply rest.

with the arrival of this new outlook on these next 2 weeks of all day training, and time away from the ones i am attached to, i feel like i am truly ready for what may come; coming with an empty cup. i come unattached to life up to that point.

that is a difficult statement to make, for surely i will deeply miss and grieve the absence of my daughter. but this is what i want.

in the midst of all these seemingly elementary concepts of just needing space, are some of the deeper yearnings and fears that i may confront. never completing things for fear of not being the best or fear of criticism, has kept me in a box. i am stepping outside of that, just like i did when i left for europe. in a year, i have no idea what will become of this all. i have some hopes and goals, but there is a long process in between. but i am beginning to feel what it must be like to set reasonable goals, and actually accomplish them, seeing them as little gifts, rather than obligations or means to ends.

one thought/dream/goal that i have had for a number of years revolves around publishing some sort of book. what kind is yet to be determined. many years ago, my mom and my gamma mentioned that i should write a book. my immediate thought was, 'About what?' i have some published work, and feel fairly confident in my ability to communicate via the written word, but what insight, knowledge or story do i have that could possibly impact another person? Eat, Pray, Love has shown me. this is a simple story, a travel journal really, about a real life carrie bradshaw. the emotions and experiences that she shares are not new or monumental. but they are thoughtfully put together and remind us all about our sentient nature.

so i think, 'Why not write a book?' a monumental task for sure, but if i am to reach outside my box, or maybe even step out completely, i must begin to believe that something like this is possible. first i must detach from my caustic nature and enter the realm of love & joy. i am on my way...

to begin to do any of this, i must begin with just me...my thoughts, my actions, my goals, my feelings and the present. i must communicate to God with an intimacy reserved for a husband and wife, rather than a distant friend from grade school. i must begin to make rest, my sabbath, a necessity. but i also must allow that to those around me, mainly my husband, jared.

most of all, i must see myself as God sees me, for all of this lack of feeling, bitterness, fear and resentment stem only from my disconnection from the reality of what we are all created to be: "oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord, for the display of His splendor." -Isaiah 61:3

if i am "splendor", then how can i possibly accept a life of mediocrity and joylessness.

here's to my sabbath, and to the one i pray each of you can soon experience...

2009-09-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

The following is from my paper journal that i occasionally write in. it's not pulitzer prize winning, but something that has really been nagging at me...in a good way:

The book of Judges has some very noteworthy and famous stories. There's Gideon, Deborah and Samson. What has been the most striking to me are the parallels between our desire for an omnipotent, altruistic ruler and the way the Israelites went from one judge to another, trying to set up an earthly kingdom [to solve their problems], when there is already a heavenly one established. In Judges 8, Gideon refused to rule Israel, claiming that we already have a King. What if we did the same thing today? What if we stopped throwing ourselves at the feet of Obama or complaining about the leadership of Iran, and rested, knowing that the Kingdom IS here, and it's nothing to do with our earthly politics. If God is truly King, there is no longer any need for riches, vengeance and power. There is only rest and peace, things we try to embody through humans.

this is not an obama bashing...i voted for him. simply put, we idolize our politicians and leaders and completely dethrone God. we do it everyday, without even knowing it. i do it everyday. money is king, or at least the desire to have enough is. but what is enough? if God is peace, if God is love, if God is rest, and if God lives in me, then what the hell am i doing?

just thoughts...

2009-09-28T09:14:00.001-07:00

in an effort to simplify and get back to the basics, i am returning to this blog, only one in the slew of blogs and online journals that i have attempted to maintain over the past 10 years.

you'll see some older posts, which i found quite insightful upon reading them this morning. i suppose that is why i want to return to this blog. it is the one i began during my pregnancy, a time which seemed complicated, but radiated with an air of simplicity and hope that has somehow been buried beneath the disassociation of the past 3 years. part of my journey back here will be to explore what the hell happened to my faith and where the cynicism and fear became king. not a journey that seems pleasant, but necessary and enlightening.

so i am starting fresh, coming empty, ready for santosha- contentment and peace. i am ready for a new name, a new outlook, characterized by a true identity, which was never designed to be what it has become...

No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah [my delight is in her], and your land Beulah [married]; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
Isaiah 62:4-5

2006-05-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

Psalm 119:92
If your law had not been my delight,
I would have perished in my affliction.

The above is my past and my prayer. unfortunately, i often forget what my delight is and suffer under my own disobedience and forgetfulness. it's not just affliction, something spurred by an outside force, but it's "my" affliction...my psyche searing into my life, through every facet. but it is His words that should be infiltrating all those hidden places.

as i struggle to find community and acceptance in this bustling city, i am reminded that i have choices, and that i am being humbled daily to one day blossom into something that God has fasioned me to be. it seems that we have many moments of bloom that occur throughout life...those epiphane type of moments where we feel like we've arrived in something special, accomplished something great or have all the wonderful things we've always dreamed of. for those times, i gladly trudge through the affliction. it produces in me something so much greater.

2006-05-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

i ate a sausage this morning...a real, bonofied pork sausage. now, this may seem highly normal to most, but for me, the non-beef, non-pork omnivore, this is a rarity. there must be something about being pregnant that is making me want it...i crave that protein. i also cooked with garlic for the first time in nearly 6 months! and it didn't make me gag. in fact, i found it quite delicious. this is great and wonderful. i feel so encouraged about my eating future.

but what this entry is really about, is the Great challenge...that of being what Philippians 2 calls us to be. i have been reading The Case for Christ, which is probably long overdue, and one of the passages they mention is in that passage, regarding Jesus being at a lower level than God. for some reason i decided to look it up this morning, and was utterly humbled by its all too familiar words which i used to have memorized, and should again:

Imitating Christ's Humility
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death
         even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
      and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
      in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
      to the glory of God the Father.

Shining as Stars
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyednot only in my presence, but now much more in my absencecontinue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16 as you hold out the word of lifein order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

today i am beginning a 6 week summer class on the psychological novel. oddly, this is not something that i deal well with mentally, but i need a class to further my achieving a degree. the description of the class seems to come from a point of extreme secularism, with acceptance of the depravity of humanity as something to be grasped and almost embraced-but not embraced in the yes-we-are-all-sinners-lets-work-this-out kind of way, but in the nihilistic, hedonist type of way. for some reason, i must be called to be in this class for it was my last choice, but the only one that seemed to fit in with my schedule. i am a bit scared of what i may encounter, but then humbled by God's words. i am to be fearful and trembling, but God wants me to work out his purpose, and what if my purpose is to be light, a shining star in the midst of a class that is consumed with human darkness? i am humbled by my position...not just as fellow student, but my being suddenly thrust into new roles, that of wife and mother.

there is so much good in life, i cannot complain. but this season has proven to be particularly difficult, even with all the blessings. it is really quite ironic. i feel stripped of so many comforts and alone in this new life. but paul reminds me that i have a higher calling...this renews my hope and causes me to strive for what's right, what is good and beautiful.

i am grateful for the humility. it's really all i have, and that is perfect.

2006-05-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

some rants and some raves...

bureaucratic red tape...what's the deal? can one ever escape it? i simply want to have my baby, which is covered by insurance, and also receive the maternity leave which is legally entitled to me. ha. well, i can certainly have my leave and get my 66% of my salary granted i confirm it, and fill out copious amounts of paper, from numerous state and starbucks groups. i had no idea the depths to which i would have to crawl to make this work.

and this comes after my vain attempts at cashing in on savings bonds. of course, since they have my maiden name on them (mind you, my maiden name is now my middle name), the bank refuses to cash them. i have my old license, my marriage license, my old social security card...but alas, i could be a fraud, a thief, or better yet...a terrorist? of course, for all those covert government agencies that are now putting a watch on me for caustically alluding to my self as the "t" word, i do not subscribe to any radical, fundamentalist groups, spiritual or otherwise. although, i did work for greenpeace for one month, 2 years ago.

anyway...the least stressful part of living, having a baby, getting married (in no set order) is actually doing those things, contrary to popular belief. we stress ourselves out more by all the information overload and proof we have to have that we actually are in these situations. clearly, i'm pregnant. hmph.

so the rave this week? NORTH PARK. my jared's lovely new starbucks (which so happens to be one that i was supposed to work at) is nestled in the fine community just east of downtown SD, and boasts a wonderfully eclectic crowd of folks who i love being around. the houses are quaint little craftsmen beauties and the shops still lack the letters "corp." behind their name (save starbucks, of course). jared and i have agreed that this is definitely a place we wouldn't mind living come early next year. obviously too poor to buy, i would not mind at all renting one of the cute cottages down the road.

which leads me to the whole reason behind moving...our beautiful, precious gift from God. of course, i haven't actually seen anything but the definitive spine in the ultrasound, but i'm telling you, our baby is the most beautiful EVER. hands down. i have this inkling that it's a boy, but not enough to state it to the whole world. of course, i have random strangers telling me it's a boy because i'm carrying so high...but who really believes that? awww...it could be my little noah...or chloe. but for now, we'll just call it "noe"...sounds good enough. it's been kicking so much. i think it must have had the hiccups last night because it was relentlessly moving around like a little snake. it was the most bizarre thing to lay there and see my belly button roll with each squirm. i love my little nocturnal baby. last week i finally decided i was big enough to put headphones on the belly...and boy did the baby go crazy! i'm not sure if it was from shock and annoyance or sheer joy, but it was nonstop kick-fest for 1/2 hour. and despite the discomforts of pregnancy, the joy of this baby outweighs anything else...and because of that, my baby gets the vote for rave of the week (but then again, the baby gets my vote every week...forever).

2006-05-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

a resurgence approaches.

as i have so much more time to ponder the previously imponderable, i am becoming hypersensitive to my creative, introspective nature. i feel that urge to learn, and to seek after wisdom and God like i haven't in so so long.

i am about to embark on yet another english course, this one called the psychological novel. when i went to sdsu last year to meet with an advisor, i remember sitting in front of this very mysterious, heavily ornamented office door of an unseen professor. i could hear his voice, and saw many students go in and out with papers, but never saw him. his door, and the outlying walls were plastered with pulp art, old movie photos, poems, quotes, spanish, etc. i remember being very curious about what lay just beyond that threshold. well, i will now get to find out. apparently, this one dr. nericcio is going to be my teacher. i went to his numerous websites, which have the exact same ornamentation as the office door. i became deeply fascinated by this seemingly normal looking man (in the photos) who seems wildly obsessed with the obscene, erotic and the hidden.

why? One may ask...Well, because I've been there. Maybe not to the degree that this fellow has, but I have always been somewhat overly curious about what lies beyond the eyes and how I can penetrate the mind of my fellow man. And now, I feel like I may get a chance, in 6 short weeks, to delve into the bizarre curiosities of another human.

reading through his websites, i felt highly inferior to the extensive knowledge that he clearly has on various subjects, which always challenges me to seek out more. obviously he is quite older than me and has a doctorate, thus his knowledge would surpass mine. but it makes me wonder how people get there...how do they come up with the odd dissertation topics and unique obsessions. i am fascinated with erotic art, taking photos in fluorescent-lit rooms and eclectic electronic sounds. but why? and how could i make that my life's work? will fellow students be more astute and educated than i, or will i surpass them? it seems a silly game of comparison, but i always become so challenged when i get back into the area of study that i'm actually interested in: literature and the arts.

the fine artist and the writer always seem to politely coexist, another phenomena that intrigues me. i was once the illustrious art major that touted around my big portfolio like i actually knew something about feeling and depth, which i maybe did to a point. i find it funny that when one gets in upper division art courses, the climate suddenly changes...they become pseudo-intellectuals ready to digress on every facet of the art in question. this is strikingly familiar to my upper division english classes. there are always those few students who can't wait to tell of their latest theory on Lord Byron or oscar wilde; or to prove that they know all about the unique language of joyce. and in these characters, i see myself (the characters being fellow students). if i were the more outspoken, proud type, i could see myself using every available moment to harangue about some topic when i am really just a dilettante. so, there it is. as artists and writers (which are really one in the same, right?) we seem to find it so necessary and urgent to profess our own intellectual state, to prove that we have knowledge (and hopefully more than you) about some rare subject that no one else knows about. yet, the teacher always knows more. i was always proud and honored when a teacher would grade my essays and talk about how unique the topic was. it was like i was something different and special...when really, they'd probably seen it before, and done better. same in art class...when i had a weird series of drawings or photos, i felt special and proud when they were bizarre or questionable...it was like i had become a true artist. but, as for the coexistence, this drive to be different, smart and a bit nutty, seems to be the glue that binds us together. Mathematicians are necessary, but there is an element of the objective which keeps them from confronting the sticky parts of life...answers are black and white and they move on (not to say that they have no philosophical wanderings). but artists and writers question everything, because to them, what they look at or read is completely subjective. they long to challenge what has previously been said, to dissect it into a million parts to understand the deep leanings being the psyche. here in lies why so many of this type are more prone to being liberal-minded, existentialists with a fear of believing in an absolute God.

this is where i often feel in the minority. but that is good, i guess, for my pride...not so much for the people that deny Him. jared always says i'm a paradox and i'm beginning to understand why. somehow, in my brain, i am able to be completely immersed in a subculture of subjective thought, while maintaining a very objective view of spirituality and faith. i am both an existentialist and a Christian, and i'm not sure how the two are reconciled. i hate the objectivity of school and certain classes...but i love the power and absoluteness of God. i love to question meanings behind everything...but i am somehow content with having faith in the Bible and its Word. before jared, i never really noticed this dichotomy, but it becomes more and more apparent as i become a part of the literati. i imagine maybe people like cs lewis and kierkegaard had similar confessions.

the objectivity of Jesus Christ is the ongoing premise for being. so, i guess, i'm not really an existentialist. that would be a complete oxymoron. if their were no solidification in my faith, i wouldn't understand this being that i am. i would be a nihilist who followed nietzsche instead of Jesus. the beauty of the artist, the explorer, the writer, is their quest for knowledge and understanding. to me, it ultimately all leads to God. it seems impossible to explore even the most sensitive, hidden areas of existence without recognizing that it all stems from One. the fact that our brains are even capable of the depths that they are is evidence enough. i suppose God endowed us all with a subjective side or else we'd be robots that only clamored after Him out of obligation. subjectivity allows for love and choice, which can be both a strength and a downfall. but He pines for us to rest in His objectivity out of our own subjectivity.

no artist, writer, biologist or professor can compare with God. all our attempts at godhood through personal conquests and flouting are simply futile.

2006-05-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

I just feel like writing. it seems to plague me lately. as i do my research and posting for the book review, i find myself becoming envious of all the creative writing, etc., going on in the world of blogs. a lot more time on my hands makes me think so much of this wonderful, mysterious world around me, and causes me to muse on its idiosyncracies.

dan brown-the da vinci code---we've all heard the hype, seen the trailers and the silly soda machine boxes flaunting the mystery and supposed "truth" set forth by the controversial novel. honestly, i have not read the book and don't really plan to. but what is so interesting to me, as i peruse the numerous blogs, is the high concentration of Christians who spend mass amounts of time digressing about the book. not to mention the number of churches that are erupting with sermons on the novel; how to defend our faith against it; how to prove its innate fallacies.

as a Christian, i can see the concern in having people believe something that is wrong about our faith. but, i have just as much concern about us becoming obsessed with downtrodding a novel which is out there, is going to be out there and there's nothing we can really do to stop it. are we simply spending too much time trying to prove our Christian code against Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code? i would venture to say we are.

there must be precautions taken, and we should certainly be ready to answer any questions that people may bring up. but it just seems like maybe we should be majoring in the gospel, how to defend it DAILY, not simply when something threatens our belief system. if we were lost on a desserted island, alone, with no human challenges to faith, we should be immersed in the gospel. if we only associated with Christians (which i would not suggest) we should still be immersed in the gospel. if we are lost in a world that is depraved and hungry, we should be immersed in the gospel. it must be a part of our daily lives. i know that i falter in this area. i seem to have my battles that i wage. but God shows up everywhere, not just when disputes arrive.

my concern is that it will become an us verses them mentality in which we continue to alienate ourselves, as believers, from the reality that exists. this is not to say that we should become like the rest of the world, or subscribe to their value systems or personal spiritual beliefs. but we are commanded to love. living in factions dissolves the love of Christ.

frankly, i think we just need to get over it.

2006-05-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

rehearsing this passage in my mind today-

"Thy people shall be willing in the day of thy power; in the beauties of holiness from the womb of the morning, thou hast the dew of thy youth." psalm 110:3

-i was astounded, first at this beautiful translation, but then curious about what exactly this means.

this passage is taken from psalms, and is considered to be the last Messianic psalm, which alludes to the coming of Christ, not just as the saviour in human flesh, but as the King who will one day conquer all evil on earth and reign.

The NIV version talks about us being that dew which pours forth at the coming of Christ. we are new in the morning, as Lamentations so eloquently states.

i love the idea of birth, how it seems to be incorporated throughout life, especially that of the Christian. we are born physically, by our mothers. when accepting Christ, we are reborn spiritually, into the type of life that is eternal. in this passage it is as if we are born warriors, but not the kinds of warriors we know today...something more loving and precious...not malicious or with selfish ends in mind; but with the mind of Christ and with a youthful vigor.

i've always found the dew of the morning so pleasant, peaceful and remeniscent of the way life abounds in so many different facets of nature and the world. how interesting to use this metaphor in the Bible. there are reasons i see things certain ways. and yet, it only becomes more clear as i dig into the depth of this Word.

2006-05-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

John 7:37
Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink."

I have neglected writing for too long. my paper journal has remained unused and sadly lonely, even though i should be writing more now that i'm pregnant than ever before. i used to spend every morning reading my Bible AND writing commentary. my journal was full of so many random, beautiful and often silly thoughts. i suppose with this new life coming upon me, spending more of my time online doing work, the long dead online journal of kelly should be revived. thus, i am here, and happily so.

now, to comment on this verse i read as i perused the online pages of biblegateway...

a couple weeks ago, my husband and i had an unfortunate experience regarding church. regardless of how one believes on issues of salvation, there are certain levels of respect that one should have when speaking to the masses. at our now former church, the elder speaking disrespected a great many believers, and in turn, lost my respect. this is a long story that isn't really necessary for public display, but i will say this: the one comment that still floors me, is when he blatantly stated, "Jesus didn't die for everyone. If He died for everyone, then He didn't die for anyone." my heart dropped and tears started to well up in my already well saturated eyes. i felt hurt and betrayed, angered at how that could be derived from the Book that i have so trusted in for the last 12 years.

but this morning, i came upon this verse and was reminded of how beautifully gracious our Lord is; how he longs to have everyone, no matter how depraved one is. we are all utterly depraved; i have never claimed not to be. but some in other sects of Christianity seem to feel that having a belief in a certain path to salvation must mean that one cannot possibly think that they are utterly depraved, but somehow exalted and worthy of a prize. frankly, i just don't see this, but i could be blind, as i have been before. haven't we all?

i have been so humbled, forced to drink from the water that i unknowingly denied. the reality of having a child has made me so thirsty again. it reminds me of salvation, of the beauty of being birthed into the family of God through His grace and mercy, and loving Him out of a conscious choice rather than obligation. i long to be thirsty EVERYDAY, that i may earnestly seek He that refreshes me. i am ready for that saturation that i used to so often revel in. the depth of the wells of my heart are longing to be filled...and i am ready to drink.