do you ever wonder, 'why do we go through all of this shit?'

of course you do. we all do.

if we could all be fortune tellers, if we could play God for a few moments and see the amazing treasures that come from trials, joys, fears, challenges, surprises and honesty, would we be happier? if we knew, for certain, that THIS moment, just THIS one, was producing a greater joy than we could ever imagine, would we relish in it just a bit more?

in recent days and weeks i have experienced pain, questioning, relief and vulnerability that shake the entire core of my being. i keep reminding myself there is a reason.

as i am learning to accept myself, i am accepting others. as i allow myself to be honest with myself, others are honest with me. as i choose to be a team with others, they choose to be a team with me. oh so long have i lived as an island, blending in with the pasty walls that my hardened shoulders leaned on. i have done it; no one else.

if it were not for the community of other broken hearts and lives coming together as one beautiful mess, i would suffer, i would wither and eventually my soul would suffer.

but this time i choose unity. this time i choose vulnerability. this time i choose honesty. this time i choose love. this time i choose grace, to have it and accept it.

it's nice to feel beautiful all over.

Where do you go little bird
When it snows, when it snows
When the world turns to sleep
Do you know, do you know
Is there something in the wind
Breathes a chill in your heart and life in your wings
Does it whisper 'start again'
Start again
Where is the sun in the night
Is it cold, is it cold
Does it feel left behind
All alone, all alone
Does it wander through the dark
Does it wait for the dawn, wish on a star
Does it stray very far
Very far
Where is your home restless wind
Is it there, is it here
Do you search for a place to belong
Search in vain, search in fear
Or is your spirit everywhere
Is your voice every tree
Your soul of the air
If there's no home is there no death
Is there no death

-the wailin' jennys

over the past few months, my life has taken some dramatic turns.
that's not why i am finally posting.

but in light of recent events, i have begun to think more intently about the way i have lived up until now.
in a phoenix rising yoga therapy session, we do an integration at the end, bringing everything we have learned, noticed, felt and breathed together. we observe it, how it serves or doesn't serve us in life, and then speak about it.

sometimes it helps to do a spontaneous integration randomly through the day. i did one earlier today during my weekly mentor phone call...and it feels somewhat appropriate right now. or maybe just part of it.

one of the things we ask is how the client, or i, live life day to day, and how those interest-piquing things show up, whether on a physical, mental, emotional or metaphysical level.
this past week has been one long realization that i do not stand up for myself. i choose to care take, even when it is something i desperately don't want to do. but it feels safe because that's what i have known. it does not serve me. it imprisons me.

yesterday i took a huge leap from denying what is good for me, to embracing it, even if i saw the hurt it caused someone else. in a sense, i have been a lifetime liar, protecting others while never protecting myself.

so today, i see that. i acknowledge it. do i want to change it? sure. but for now, i sit with it. in time, without any prompting or forcing, i will change. and as i respect myself, i will respect others greatly.

grace to you all.