COMING SOON!!!!!
WWW.BEULAHWELLNESS.COM
NEW BLOG, PHOTOS, INFORMATION ON YOGA CLASSES, PRIVATE INSTRUCTION AND PHOENIX RISING YOGA THERAPY.
CHECK IT OUT SOON, AS THIS BLOG WILL LIKELY MERGE INTO THAT ONE!
XXOO
-kel.
06 October 2010
23 August 2010
i can't get enough of this song.
then i saw the video.
it's like something just illuminates spontaneously.
you watch it, and you feel it.
we all feel it.
we all want it.
to be in love, to frolic, to flirt, to play, to adventure.
i am thankful for moments as these.
M83-We Own the Sky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bzge5vY72hE
then i saw the video.
it's like something just illuminates spontaneously.
you watch it, and you feel it.
we all feel it.
we all want it.
to be in love, to frolic, to flirt, to play, to adventure.
i am thankful for moments as these.
M83-We Own the Sky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bzge5vY72hE
07 August 2010
some days the chips seem to fall effortlessly into place. some days they seem to shatter as they hit the ground.
some days, when they fall oh so effortlessly, it's when kelly clarkson's miss independent gets played in savasana.
some days, when they shatter, it's when kelly clarkson's miss independent gets played in savasana.
so what's the difference?
ME.
I fall effortlessly into allowing. i rest. i breathe. i *attempt* humility.
on those other days i resist every single thing that i come across. i push. i pull. i fight. i am proud.
wish i could say i am the former more often. i am not. BUT, for the first time ever, i see both. i see the gift that they each are when observed and witnessed.
and seeing has made all the difference.
what do you see today?
some days, when they fall oh so effortlessly, it's when kelly clarkson's miss independent gets played in savasana.
some days, when they shatter, it's when kelly clarkson's miss independent gets played in savasana.
so what's the difference?
ME.
I fall effortlessly into allowing. i rest. i breathe. i *attempt* humility.
on those other days i resist every single thing that i come across. i push. i pull. i fight. i am proud.
wish i could say i am the former more often. i am not. BUT, for the first time ever, i see both. i see the gift that they each are when observed and witnessed.
and seeing has made all the difference.
what do you see today?
24 July 2010
Oh ghee-z!
Since i always seem to make ghee in small, bowl-of-oatmeal sized batches, i finally thought it best to make enough to use daily. while not the most elite of butters, costco does sell 1lb slabs of unsalted butter fairly cheap. since i seem to have so much butter lying around, why not make one of those slabs into sweet, delicious ghee.
a little background on ghee, also known as clarified butter. in ayurvedic cooking and philosophy, ghee is medicinal. it is said to ignite the fire (Agni) of digestion when taken early in the morning. it is especially good in a hot bowl of steel cut oats.
ghee is also useful in treating cuts and burns, moisturizing the skin and adding to your favorite bath scent for a luxurious experience.
the other great part: lactose free! lactose, the sugar in milk, is part of the solid that rises in the process of making ghee. you are left with milk fat.
who knew butter could be SO good?!
ghee is very simple to make and store for use in all your daily butter needs.
of course, the higher quality of butter (organic, raw butter would work nicely), the better your outcome.
to make ghee:
• use a heavy pot, preferably stainless steel (i used my cast iron one, but i think it got too hot). bring butter to a boil, and then reduce heat to VERY low. as it simmers, the milk solids will begin to rise to the top.
• i keep a bowl to the side and use a large, clean spoon to begin scraping the solids off the top, placing them in the bowl.
this may take time, and it may be good to let the butter sit for a while as solids rise. i made the mistake of allowing the heat to stay higher, browning my ghee a bit. it's not bad, but it give a nuttier flavor.
• once the solids have been removed, pour the ghee through a cheesecloth (or paper towel) into your storing vessel. this will remove any solids that have gone to the bottom, leaving you with liquid gold.
• store in an airtight container, preferably at room temperature as not to allow condensation to develop in the container. i used a 16 oz. mason jar. LET IT COOL BEFORE YOU SEAL.
now, i wouldn't write a whole post on ghee if i wasn't planning on using this amazing product. no, no, no. as i said, i've used it in oatmeal, but have yet to explore more ornate dishes. i really wanted to bake with my daughter and niece, using my fresh-made ghee, but wasn't sure how it would react in a baking environment.
i had some blackberries that i froze last month, and thought i'd try it out in a simple blackberry cobbler.
not bad!
Ghee-licious blackberry cobbler
Serves 6-8
For "filling":
• about 2 cups of fresh or thawed blackberries, drained completely if frozen
• 1/2 cup of sugar, or sugar substitute of your choice (to taste...i used very little sugar)
For crust:
• 1 cup of flour
• 2 tsp. of baking powder
• 3/4-1 cup of milk
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• 1/2 cup of ghee
• 1 tsp of ground cinnamon
Begin by letting sugar and blackberries marinate for 15-20 minutes. This should warrant delicious, sweet blackberries with a syrupy liquid.
While that sits, preheat oven to 350.
Add flour, salt, baking powder and cinnamon to a bowl, mixing just to combine. Add milk slowly. You may find you need less or more milk. At this point the dough should be slightly sticky, not dry, like a pie crust. Add in the ghee and stir to incorporate. This dough is infectiously delicious. Butter, buttery.
Spread about 2/3 of this dough on the bottom of an 8-inch round or square baking dish. I used round and it was great.
Pour all of the blackberry mixture on top. Add the remaining dough on top, lightly spreading it. Alternately, you could put ALL the dough on the bottom, or the top. It's all going to ooze the same way :)
Place in 350 oven for about 30 minutes. Check that dough is cooked through. It will be moist, almost like a cake, rather than a crust. It doesn't look super cooked, but your mouth will tell you differently.
Like any other cobbler, this is best served warm. I had it without garnish, but fresh whipped cream would have been delicious!
i love the texture the ghee gives this. i'm used to a more crumbly cobbler or crisp type dessert, but love the cake-iness of this version. while not exactly figure friendly, it's a much better option than the traditional sugar-infused, buttery desserts.
Enjoy!
Since i always seem to make ghee in small, bowl-of-oatmeal sized batches, i finally thought it best to make enough to use daily. while not the most elite of butters, costco does sell 1lb slabs of unsalted butter fairly cheap. since i seem to have so much butter lying around, why not make one of those slabs into sweet, delicious ghee.
a little background on ghee, also known as clarified butter. in ayurvedic cooking and philosophy, ghee is medicinal. it is said to ignite the fire (Agni) of digestion when taken early in the morning. it is especially good in a hot bowl of steel cut oats.
ghee is also useful in treating cuts and burns, moisturizing the skin and adding to your favorite bath scent for a luxurious experience.
the other great part: lactose free! lactose, the sugar in milk, is part of the solid that rises in the process of making ghee. you are left with milk fat.
who knew butter could be SO good?!
ghee is very simple to make and store for use in all your daily butter needs.
of course, the higher quality of butter (organic, raw butter would work nicely), the better your outcome.
to make ghee:
• use a heavy pot, preferably stainless steel (i used my cast iron one, but i think it got too hot). bring butter to a boil, and then reduce heat to VERY low. as it simmers, the milk solids will begin to rise to the top.
• i keep a bowl to the side and use a large, clean spoon to begin scraping the solids off the top, placing them in the bowl.
this may take time, and it may be good to let the butter sit for a while as solids rise. i made the mistake of allowing the heat to stay higher, browning my ghee a bit. it's not bad, but it give a nuttier flavor.
• once the solids have been removed, pour the ghee through a cheesecloth (or paper towel) into your storing vessel. this will remove any solids that have gone to the bottom, leaving you with liquid gold.
• store in an airtight container, preferably at room temperature as not to allow condensation to develop in the container. i used a 16 oz. mason jar. LET IT COOL BEFORE YOU SEAL.
now, i wouldn't write a whole post on ghee if i wasn't planning on using this amazing product. no, no, no. as i said, i've used it in oatmeal, but have yet to explore more ornate dishes. i really wanted to bake with my daughter and niece, using my fresh-made ghee, but wasn't sure how it would react in a baking environment.
i had some blackberries that i froze last month, and thought i'd try it out in a simple blackberry cobbler.
not bad!
Ghee-licious blackberry cobbler
Serves 6-8
For "filling":
• about 2 cups of fresh or thawed blackberries, drained completely if frozen
• 1/2 cup of sugar, or sugar substitute of your choice (to taste...i used very little sugar)
For crust:
• 1 cup of flour
• 2 tsp. of baking powder
• 3/4-1 cup of milk
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• 1/2 cup of ghee
• 1 tsp of ground cinnamon
Begin by letting sugar and blackberries marinate for 15-20 minutes. This should warrant delicious, sweet blackberries with a syrupy liquid.
While that sits, preheat oven to 350.
Add flour, salt, baking powder and cinnamon to a bowl, mixing just to combine. Add milk slowly. You may find you need less or more milk. At this point the dough should be slightly sticky, not dry, like a pie crust. Add in the ghee and stir to incorporate. This dough is infectiously delicious. Butter, buttery.
Spread about 2/3 of this dough on the bottom of an 8-inch round or square baking dish. I used round and it was great.
Pour all of the blackberry mixture on top. Add the remaining dough on top, lightly spreading it. Alternately, you could put ALL the dough on the bottom, or the top. It's all going to ooze the same way :)
Place in 350 oven for about 30 minutes. Check that dough is cooked through. It will be moist, almost like a cake, rather than a crust. It doesn't look super cooked, but your mouth will tell you differently.
Like any other cobbler, this is best served warm. I had it without garnish, but fresh whipped cream would have been delicious!
i love the texture the ghee gives this. i'm used to a more crumbly cobbler or crisp type dessert, but love the cake-iness of this version. while not exactly figure friendly, it's a much better option than the traditional sugar-infused, buttery desserts.
Enjoy!
22 July 2010
as i age, like a fine wine or delectable cheese, i get better. and part of that getting "better" is that i love food. hence the feeble attempt at a food metaphor.
amongst other, more pressing hobbies and passions is the innate Foodie deep within. i scan food blogs, food network, chow and keep tabs on various food happenings around my area. my heaven is a farmer's market filled with the seductive sounds of bluegrass music, laughter and the undeniable crunch of all things delicious. had i the time, i would literally spend all day in the kitchen. if you've been to my house, you know my kitchen isn't exactly that of a gourmet chef. then again, a chef i am not. but a novice home cook, sauce inventor and recipe concocter i AM!
the most recent endeavor: vegetarianism. oddly enough, it's not me that prompted this somewhat radical change. for me, it wouldn't have been too radical. but for my husband, it is. i came home one night after he watched some documentary on the way meat is processed and that was it. since i'm not super excitable when it comes to meat, i happily obliged to trying out this new way. too bad i had just purchased our carnivorous stock the day before he told me this. ah well. meat for sale!
while this certainly presents some new challenges and adjustments, i welcome it all. i have been eating healthier, lighter and found that i have lost my often insatiable desire to eat all things sweet. don't get me wrong...i'll still eat chocolate cake with the best of 'em, but maybe only one piece...not two, or three.
as i mentioned above, i love doing food research. every empty plate is like a blank canvas longing to be filled with unique colors, textures and flavors. i want to know how i can fill it. i have found some new sites catering to us fledgling vegis and enjoy the poshness of it all. i love a challenge. creating tasty, healthy food without meat is a new challenge.
tonight's meal was a complete invention. i saw guy fieri making mashed cauliflower on his show, and it gave me an idea. i wanted the lusciousness of mashed potatoes sans the starchy carb-load. i love the linear structure of asparagus spears, paired with the fluffy goodness of the whipped cauliflower. BUT, i thought, i need protein. well, tofu it is...the 'ol standby. by marinating and searing it, i created a nice, rustic crust to compliment the green and white. and to bring a little more nuttiness and texture, i sprinkled the dish with chopped almonds.
the recipe as follows:
Ginger mashed cauliflower, with sesame glazed tofu and asparagus
Feeds about 3
Ingredients:
1 bunch of asparagus, bottoms removed
2 cups of cubed tofu
2 small heads of cauliflower, cut into florets
1 Tbsp. Olive oil
1 tsp. of ground ginger
2 oz. of milk (cream or half-and-half to make it richer, soy for non-dairy)
2 oz. of chicken or vegi stock
Your favorite teriyaki or Asian marinade (I made my own that I will try to remember here-see below)
salt and pepper to taste
Start by roasting your cauliflower florets. Spread them evenly on a cookie sheet and drizzle your O.O. on top. Add a bit of S & P. Toss to coat and place in 375 oven for about half an hour. Ovens vary so check to make sure they are fork tender. They should begin to get a nice brownish color on the tops.
While they are toastin' away, prep your vegis. After removing the woody ends of asparagus, marinate in teriyaki sauce for 15 minutes or so. Do the same with the tofu, but in a separate bowl.
My sauce recipe (the estimated version):
1 tsp. of minced, fresh ginger
1 tsp. sesame oil
1 tsp. soy sauce
1 tsp. honey
couple TBSP of rice vinegar
Combine, stir and taste. Adjust as needed. Should be sweet and salty, with a little Asian flare. Not syrupy.
So, get a good pan, preferably non-stick, HOT. When the pan is sizzling, add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and immediately add the asparagus, being careful to let the marinade drip off before adding to pan. You may have to do this in batches as not to over crowd the pan. Cook for a few minutes until asparagus is just slightly tender. Al dente, I guess. To the tooth.
Using the same pan, add another tablespoon of vegetable oil and add the tofu. Let them sit for a couple minutes to form a nice crust. If you remove to quickly, they will stick...Kind of like chicken.
About this time, your cauliflower should be ready. Let it cool for a few minutes. Grab yer blender. Add the milk, stock and ground ginger, along with half your cauliflower. Blend until smooth then add the rest of the cauliflower, adding salt and pepper to taste. They should have the same consistency as mashed potatoes, with a little bit of kick from the ginger!
To plate, i made a bed out of the mash, sprinkled some asparagus spears on top, tofu and chopped almonds. The almonds make this! Enjoy!
as you can see, i am a mixer. i am horrible at a couple things in life, but they're not that big of a deal: remembering street names, but recognizing everything by sight, and measuring ingredients, but creating yummy dishes by taste. so, here's to experimenting, getting lost, but always finding your way.
amongst other, more pressing hobbies and passions is the innate Foodie deep within. i scan food blogs, food network, chow and keep tabs on various food happenings around my area. my heaven is a farmer's market filled with the seductive sounds of bluegrass music, laughter and the undeniable crunch of all things delicious. had i the time, i would literally spend all day in the kitchen. if you've been to my house, you know my kitchen isn't exactly that of a gourmet chef. then again, a chef i am not. but a novice home cook, sauce inventor and recipe concocter i AM!
the most recent endeavor: vegetarianism. oddly enough, it's not me that prompted this somewhat radical change. for me, it wouldn't have been too radical. but for my husband, it is. i came home one night after he watched some documentary on the way meat is processed and that was it. since i'm not super excitable when it comes to meat, i happily obliged to trying out this new way. too bad i had just purchased our carnivorous stock the day before he told me this. ah well. meat for sale!
while this certainly presents some new challenges and adjustments, i welcome it all. i have been eating healthier, lighter and found that i have lost my often insatiable desire to eat all things sweet. don't get me wrong...i'll still eat chocolate cake with the best of 'em, but maybe only one piece...not two, or three.
as i mentioned above, i love doing food research. every empty plate is like a blank canvas longing to be filled with unique colors, textures and flavors. i want to know how i can fill it. i have found some new sites catering to us fledgling vegis and enjoy the poshness of it all. i love a challenge. creating tasty, healthy food without meat is a new challenge.
tonight's meal was a complete invention. i saw guy fieri making mashed cauliflower on his show, and it gave me an idea. i wanted the lusciousness of mashed potatoes sans the starchy carb-load. i love the linear structure of asparagus spears, paired with the fluffy goodness of the whipped cauliflower. BUT, i thought, i need protein. well, tofu it is...the 'ol standby. by marinating and searing it, i created a nice, rustic crust to compliment the green and white. and to bring a little more nuttiness and texture, i sprinkled the dish with chopped almonds.
the recipe as follows:
Ginger mashed cauliflower, with sesame glazed tofu and asparagus
Feeds about 3
Ingredients:
1 bunch of asparagus, bottoms removed
2 cups of cubed tofu
2 small heads of cauliflower, cut into florets
1 Tbsp. Olive oil
1 tsp. of ground ginger
2 oz. of milk (cream or half-and-half to make it richer, soy for non-dairy)
2 oz. of chicken or vegi stock
Your favorite teriyaki or Asian marinade (I made my own that I will try to remember here-see below)
salt and pepper to taste
Start by roasting your cauliflower florets. Spread them evenly on a cookie sheet and drizzle your O.O. on top. Add a bit of S & P. Toss to coat and place in 375 oven for about half an hour. Ovens vary so check to make sure they are fork tender. They should begin to get a nice brownish color on the tops.
While they are toastin' away, prep your vegis. After removing the woody ends of asparagus, marinate in teriyaki sauce for 15 minutes or so. Do the same with the tofu, but in a separate bowl.
My sauce recipe (the estimated version):
1 tsp. of minced, fresh ginger
1 tsp. sesame oil
1 tsp. soy sauce
1 tsp. honey
couple TBSP of rice vinegar
Combine, stir and taste. Adjust as needed. Should be sweet and salty, with a little Asian flare. Not syrupy.
So, get a good pan, preferably non-stick, HOT. When the pan is sizzling, add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and immediately add the asparagus, being careful to let the marinade drip off before adding to pan. You may have to do this in batches as not to over crowd the pan. Cook for a few minutes until asparagus is just slightly tender. Al dente, I guess. To the tooth.
Using the same pan, add another tablespoon of vegetable oil and add the tofu. Let them sit for a couple minutes to form a nice crust. If you remove to quickly, they will stick...Kind of like chicken.
About this time, your cauliflower should be ready. Let it cool for a few minutes. Grab yer blender. Add the milk, stock and ground ginger, along with half your cauliflower. Blend until smooth then add the rest of the cauliflower, adding salt and pepper to taste. They should have the same consistency as mashed potatoes, with a little bit of kick from the ginger!
To plate, i made a bed out of the mash, sprinkled some asparagus spears on top, tofu and chopped almonds. The almonds make this! Enjoy!
as you can see, i am a mixer. i am horrible at a couple things in life, but they're not that big of a deal: remembering street names, but recognizing everything by sight, and measuring ingredients, but creating yummy dishes by taste. so, here's to experimenting, getting lost, but always finding your way.
02 July 2010
today, we finally went to the SD County Fair, after 5 years of living here. In the past, it just seemed like so much work with a VERY active kid or baby. This year, when we received tickets from our spritely 90 year-old neighbor, juanita, we HAD to go. chloe is nearly 4, and tall enough to go on many rides by herself.
of course, the fair means many things to many people. to most, it usually connotes vomit-inducing rides followed by insane amounts of deep-fried foods (deep-fried butter? what's the point?) and the stale, pungent air of the livestock exhibits. for me, it means lots of stomach-dropping, spinning and whiplashing rides...which i thoroughly enjoy. even at 30.
there is one called the silver streak. really, it's just a series of small roller coaster cars in a hilly circle that go around really fast. then they go backwards...really fast. the ride is about 3 minutes longer than necessary, if not for the weak stomached, at least for the weak necked. but, i wanted to do it. i love to spin and so does my girl. she loves adventure. jared, well, let's just say he can't do the ferris wheel.
i took our Flip video camera on the ride and what a treat! chloe's laughter filled the entire ride with an infectious cackle that can only come from an exuberant and happy kid. i could watch it over and over just to hear her laugh. if i could make that my ringtone, my alarm tone and greeting as i turned on my laptop, it would be amazing.
there was a moment when she rode the mini-roller coaster for the first time by herself that nearly had me in tears. really, there was no monumental thing happening. just a moment where i was watching her, independent and happy, glowing in the midday sunshine with her hair blowing back, listening to the cyclical giggles as she whizzed by, that i just felt nothing but joy. i knew, instantly, why people have children. jared was by my side. we hugged and he said, "This is the way 4th of july is supposed to be." i quietly agreed as we watched our baby fearlessly roll.
of course, the fair means many things to many people. to most, it usually connotes vomit-inducing rides followed by insane amounts of deep-fried foods (deep-fried butter? what's the point?) and the stale, pungent air of the livestock exhibits. for me, it means lots of stomach-dropping, spinning and whiplashing rides...which i thoroughly enjoy. even at 30.
there is one called the silver streak. really, it's just a series of small roller coaster cars in a hilly circle that go around really fast. then they go backwards...really fast. the ride is about 3 minutes longer than necessary, if not for the weak stomached, at least for the weak necked. but, i wanted to do it. i love to spin and so does my girl. she loves adventure. jared, well, let's just say he can't do the ferris wheel.
i took our Flip video camera on the ride and what a treat! chloe's laughter filled the entire ride with an infectious cackle that can only come from an exuberant and happy kid. i could watch it over and over just to hear her laugh. if i could make that my ringtone, my alarm tone and greeting as i turned on my laptop, it would be amazing.
there was a moment when she rode the mini-roller coaster for the first time by herself that nearly had me in tears. really, there was no monumental thing happening. just a moment where i was watching her, independent and happy, glowing in the midday sunshine with her hair blowing back, listening to the cyclical giggles as she whizzed by, that i just felt nothing but joy. i knew, instantly, why people have children. jared was by my side. we hugged and he said, "This is the way 4th of july is supposed to be." i quietly agreed as we watched our baby fearlessly roll.
29 June 2010
one of my great joys in life is food. as a self-professing foodie, i particularly indulge in sweets...rich, complicated flavors swirling together in one delicious concoction of dessert bliss.
i often wonder if i should have taken a different path, one that i liked when i was very young: the path to being a chef and restaurant owner. but, had i NOT taken the path i have, i doubt that i would have the appreciation i do for food. being the homemaker, responsible for shopping and preparing healthy, creative meals for my family, i take great pride in experimenting, mixing, tasting and plating everything i make. it truly is an outlet.
as a part of my love for food, i try to bring chloe in the kitchen with me every time i cook, allowing her to mix, taste and experiment on her own. she doesn't always love the main dish preparation, but she LOVES baking. who doesn't? licking gooey batter off of a spatula? YUM! normally we cook on fridays, but we are heading to the SD county fair this week, so we baked this morning. i didn't have the ingredients for oatmeal or chocolate chip cookies, but i did have stuff to make a delicious vegan, almost raw frosting: avocado, coconut oil, agave nectar and cocoa powder. so, the cookies are full fat, full of animal bi-products, and fully delicious. i have come to enjoy the rich flavors of the plant-based frosting much more than those using butter as a base, so here ya go!
the other thing about food: i love to take pictures of it. two of my loves, food and photography, whirled into one! so, for visual interest, we picked some fresh lavender from our yard as a garnish.
thanks to chloe, my sous chef, for her discriminating palate.
i often wonder if i should have taken a different path, one that i liked when i was very young: the path to being a chef and restaurant owner. but, had i NOT taken the path i have, i doubt that i would have the appreciation i do for food. being the homemaker, responsible for shopping and preparing healthy, creative meals for my family, i take great pride in experimenting, mixing, tasting and plating everything i make. it truly is an outlet.
as a part of my love for food, i try to bring chloe in the kitchen with me every time i cook, allowing her to mix, taste and experiment on her own. she doesn't always love the main dish preparation, but she LOVES baking. who doesn't? licking gooey batter off of a spatula? YUM! normally we cook on fridays, but we are heading to the SD county fair this week, so we baked this morning. i didn't have the ingredients for oatmeal or chocolate chip cookies, but i did have stuff to make a delicious vegan, almost raw frosting: avocado, coconut oil, agave nectar and cocoa powder. so, the cookies are full fat, full of animal bi-products, and fully delicious. i have come to enjoy the rich flavors of the plant-based frosting much more than those using butter as a base, so here ya go!
the other thing about food: i love to take pictures of it. two of my loves, food and photography, whirled into one! so, for visual interest, we picked some fresh lavender from our yard as a garnish.
thanks to chloe, my sous chef, for her discriminating palate.
02 June 2010
i feel like i have so much to say, and yet, what i want to say is all about being empty. not the bad kind empty, like you're hungry and lonely. but the kind of emptiness where you are stripped of everything that makes you comfortable, stripped away of your expectations and left with a massively beautiful void.
when you are finally stripped of all your facades, expectations and sapped of all emotion, all that can be left is utter peace. there's nothing left to mull over and consider. it's very spacey, or at least it is for me.
this happened to me for the first time today, ever. i was aware of the energy around me with a newfound keenness that i truly enjoyed. i wish that the emptiness could have been found without its precursor, but it was found nonetheless.
today, i will just be grateful for that.
have you ever felt happily empty?
when you are finally stripped of all your facades, expectations and sapped of all emotion, all that can be left is utter peace. there's nothing left to mull over and consider. it's very spacey, or at least it is for me.
this happened to me for the first time today, ever. i was aware of the energy around me with a newfound keenness that i truly enjoyed. i wish that the emptiness could have been found without its precursor, but it was found nonetheless.
today, i will just be grateful for that.
have you ever felt happily empty?
28 May 2010
for as long as i can remember, i have openly opposed the idea of being feminine. i proudly proclaim the fairer sex, but neglect its beauty.
i can remember specific times as a kid, when i would choose to be with the boys, make it a point to speak my independence and of course, NEVER carry a purse. i saw the purse as some sort of weakness-that you had to rely upon the trappings of endless beauty products and giant, overpriced handbags (or duffel bags) to prove your status and beauty to the world. obviously that is a bit of a misjudgment on my part.
as a high schooler, i rarely dated and quietly mocked the girly girls, gossiping about each other and shopping at the mall. i only went to one dance that was actually with a boyfriend. the only time i got asked was by guys that were friends, whose first choices said no. that sums it up in a nutshell.
i loved baseball. i loved music. i hated long, painted nails. i retreated at the very thought of showing that yes, indeed, i might need help.
and now, as an adult some of that still lingers. i still war with my womanly shadow about who will win out: the prideful, stubborn tomboy, or the delicate, demure and shall i say pretty woman. the thing is, no one needs to win. they are both there. they are both a part of my past, my present and my future. they are both formidable characters at the table of my life. they are sometimes rude to each other, nagging, incessant mockers. but they are me.
over the past few months, i have begun to see how much i resist the idea of femininity. like i said, i call myself a woman, but reject the adjective, or sometimes adverb, "womanly".
i think back to all the male friends i kept, and how little attention i got from men. i was quiet, shy and the antithesis of flirty. if a guy liked me, i wanted it to be because i was strong, confident and capable...not just because i had a nice ass and a cute face.
in turn, i got a few dates, but never allowed anyone to see me as needy.
when i was in vermont last month, this light bulb suddenly switched on. there is an innate resistance to expressing need; and not in the annoying, selfish way, but in a genuine, heartfelt way. it seemed burdensome. i was afraid of abandonment upon someone hearing that i needed something from them, and only them. and then, i would fulfill my own ill-fated prophecy by pushing them, being brute and passive aggressive, instead of honest and vulnerable.
being a woman feels so vulnerable at times. there seems to be an unspoken expectation that you are physically and emotionally more available and vulnerable than men. and within that, there are liberties taken against women that become unspeakable.
there is a part of me that wanted to avoid all the unspeakable parts of being a woman, meaning, i had to reject my femininity.
as i approach my 30th birthday, it has been illuminated that none of this has been working for me, or those around me. i have begun to walk on a path of full acceptance. i am learning to accept the curve of my hips, the stretch marks from having a beautiful child, the idea of wearing something pink, growing my nails and telling my husband i need him.
i have always feared that by doing those things i would get lumped in as just another one of 'those' girls. i saw myself as different, and i want(ed) other people to. but instead, in many cases, i just didn't get seen at all.
this afternoon, jared and i had the rare opportunity for a midday date. his idea: go see sex and the city 2. yes folks, he likes that show. i obliged. per usual, the movie was an extravagant narrative about rich, feisty women in the throws of midlife and romance in NYC. but the biggest message i received from it (maybe because of all this illumination in my own life) was the idea of women being recognized for who they are, what they do and how beautiful we are--all of us. it's a good reminder that i am special. it's a good reminder that it's ok to be a woman, and even take pride in it.
and with all that said, and all judgements aside, i was totally one of 'those' girls today: going to watch sex and the city on opening day with a giant popcorn and a diet pepsi. sometimes it just feels good to embrace the inner woman, eat junk and enjoy some Sex.
i can remember specific times as a kid, when i would choose to be with the boys, make it a point to speak my independence and of course, NEVER carry a purse. i saw the purse as some sort of weakness-that you had to rely upon the trappings of endless beauty products and giant, overpriced handbags (or duffel bags) to prove your status and beauty to the world. obviously that is a bit of a misjudgment on my part.
as a high schooler, i rarely dated and quietly mocked the girly girls, gossiping about each other and shopping at the mall. i only went to one dance that was actually with a boyfriend. the only time i got asked was by guys that were friends, whose first choices said no. that sums it up in a nutshell.
i loved baseball. i loved music. i hated long, painted nails. i retreated at the very thought of showing that yes, indeed, i might need help.
and now, as an adult some of that still lingers. i still war with my womanly shadow about who will win out: the prideful, stubborn tomboy, or the delicate, demure and shall i say pretty woman. the thing is, no one needs to win. they are both there. they are both a part of my past, my present and my future. they are both formidable characters at the table of my life. they are sometimes rude to each other, nagging, incessant mockers. but they are me.
over the past few months, i have begun to see how much i resist the idea of femininity. like i said, i call myself a woman, but reject the adjective, or sometimes adverb, "womanly".
i think back to all the male friends i kept, and how little attention i got from men. i was quiet, shy and the antithesis of flirty. if a guy liked me, i wanted it to be because i was strong, confident and capable...not just because i had a nice ass and a cute face.
in turn, i got a few dates, but never allowed anyone to see me as needy.
when i was in vermont last month, this light bulb suddenly switched on. there is an innate resistance to expressing need; and not in the annoying, selfish way, but in a genuine, heartfelt way. it seemed burdensome. i was afraid of abandonment upon someone hearing that i needed something from them, and only them. and then, i would fulfill my own ill-fated prophecy by pushing them, being brute and passive aggressive, instead of honest and vulnerable.
being a woman feels so vulnerable at times. there seems to be an unspoken expectation that you are physically and emotionally more available and vulnerable than men. and within that, there are liberties taken against women that become unspeakable.
there is a part of me that wanted to avoid all the unspeakable parts of being a woman, meaning, i had to reject my femininity.
as i approach my 30th birthday, it has been illuminated that none of this has been working for me, or those around me. i have begun to walk on a path of full acceptance. i am learning to accept the curve of my hips, the stretch marks from having a beautiful child, the idea of wearing something pink, growing my nails and telling my husband i need him.
i have always feared that by doing those things i would get lumped in as just another one of 'those' girls. i saw myself as different, and i want(ed) other people to. but instead, in many cases, i just didn't get seen at all.
this afternoon, jared and i had the rare opportunity for a midday date. his idea: go see sex and the city 2. yes folks, he likes that show. i obliged. per usual, the movie was an extravagant narrative about rich, feisty women in the throws of midlife and romance in NYC. but the biggest message i received from it (maybe because of all this illumination in my own life) was the idea of women being recognized for who they are, what they do and how beautiful we are--all of us. it's a good reminder that i am special. it's a good reminder that it's ok to be a woman, and even take pride in it.
and with all that said, and all judgements aside, i was totally one of 'those' girls today: going to watch sex and the city on opening day with a giant popcorn and a diet pepsi. sometimes it just feels good to embrace the inner woman, eat junk and enjoy some Sex.
15 April 2010
do you ever wonder, 'why do we go through all of this shit?'
of course you do. we all do.
if we could all be fortune tellers, if we could play God for a few moments and see the amazing treasures that come from trials, joys, fears, challenges, surprises and honesty, would we be happier? if we knew, for certain, that THIS moment, just THIS one, was producing a greater joy than we could ever imagine, would we relish in it just a bit more?
in recent days and weeks i have experienced pain, questioning, relief and vulnerability that shake the entire core of my being. i keep reminding myself there is a reason.
as i am learning to accept myself, i am accepting others. as i allow myself to be honest with myself, others are honest with me. as i choose to be a team with others, they choose to be a team with me. oh so long have i lived as an island, blending in with the pasty walls that my hardened shoulders leaned on. i have done it; no one else.
if it were not for the community of other broken hearts and lives coming together as one beautiful mess, i would suffer, i would wither and eventually my soul would suffer.
but this time i choose unity. this time i choose vulnerability. this time i choose honesty. this time i choose love. this time i choose grace, to have it and accept it.
it's nice to feel beautiful all over.
Where do you go little bird
When it snows, when it snows
When the world turns to sleep
Do you know, do you know
Is there something in the wind
Breathes a chill in your heart and life in your wings
Does it whisper 'start again'
Start again
Where is the sun in the night
Is it cold, is it cold
Does it feel left behind
All alone, all alone
Does it wander through the dark
Does it wait for the dawn, wish on a star
Does it stray very far
Very far
Where is your home restless wind
Is it there, is it here
Do you search for a place to belong
Search in vain, search in fear
Or is your spirit everywhere
Is your voice every tree
Your soul of the air
If there's no home is there no death
Is there no death
-the wailin' jennys
of course you do. we all do.
if we could all be fortune tellers, if we could play God for a few moments and see the amazing treasures that come from trials, joys, fears, challenges, surprises and honesty, would we be happier? if we knew, for certain, that THIS moment, just THIS one, was producing a greater joy than we could ever imagine, would we relish in it just a bit more?
in recent days and weeks i have experienced pain, questioning, relief and vulnerability that shake the entire core of my being. i keep reminding myself there is a reason.
as i am learning to accept myself, i am accepting others. as i allow myself to be honest with myself, others are honest with me. as i choose to be a team with others, they choose to be a team with me. oh so long have i lived as an island, blending in with the pasty walls that my hardened shoulders leaned on. i have done it; no one else.
if it were not for the community of other broken hearts and lives coming together as one beautiful mess, i would suffer, i would wither and eventually my soul would suffer.
but this time i choose unity. this time i choose vulnerability. this time i choose honesty. this time i choose love. this time i choose grace, to have it and accept it.
it's nice to feel beautiful all over.
Where do you go little bird
When it snows, when it snows
When the world turns to sleep
Do you know, do you know
Is there something in the wind
Breathes a chill in your heart and life in your wings
Does it whisper 'start again'
Start again
Where is the sun in the night
Is it cold, is it cold
Does it feel left behind
All alone, all alone
Does it wander through the dark
Does it wait for the dawn, wish on a star
Does it stray very far
Very far
Where is your home restless wind
Is it there, is it here
Do you search for a place to belong
Search in vain, search in fear
Or is your spirit everywhere
Is your voice every tree
Your soul of the air
If there's no home is there no death
Is there no death
-the wailin' jennys
08 April 2010
over the past few months, my life has taken some dramatic turns.
that's not why i am finally posting.
but in light of recent events, i have begun to think more intently about the way i have lived up until now.
in a phoenix rising yoga therapy session, we do an integration at the end, bringing everything we have learned, noticed, felt and breathed together. we observe it, how it serves or doesn't serve us in life, and then speak about it.
sometimes it helps to do a spontaneous integration randomly through the day. i did one earlier today during my weekly mentor phone call...and it feels somewhat appropriate right now. or maybe just part of it.
one of the things we ask is how the client, or i, live life day to day, and how those interest-piquing things show up, whether on a physical, mental, emotional or metaphysical level.
this past week has been one long realization that i do not stand up for myself. i choose to care take, even when it is something i desperately don't want to do. but it feels safe because that's what i have known. it does not serve me. it imprisons me.
yesterday i took a huge leap from denying what is good for me, to embracing it, even if i saw the hurt it caused someone else. in a sense, i have been a lifetime liar, protecting others while never protecting myself.
so today, i see that. i acknowledge it. do i want to change it? sure. but for now, i sit with it. in time, without any prompting or forcing, i will change. and as i respect myself, i will respect others greatly.
grace to you all.
that's not why i am finally posting.
but in light of recent events, i have begun to think more intently about the way i have lived up until now.
in a phoenix rising yoga therapy session, we do an integration at the end, bringing everything we have learned, noticed, felt and breathed together. we observe it, how it serves or doesn't serve us in life, and then speak about it.
sometimes it helps to do a spontaneous integration randomly through the day. i did one earlier today during my weekly mentor phone call...and it feels somewhat appropriate right now. or maybe just part of it.
one of the things we ask is how the client, or i, live life day to day, and how those interest-piquing things show up, whether on a physical, mental, emotional or metaphysical level.
this past week has been one long realization that i do not stand up for myself. i choose to care take, even when it is something i desperately don't want to do. but it feels safe because that's what i have known. it does not serve me. it imprisons me.
yesterday i took a huge leap from denying what is good for me, to embracing it, even if i saw the hurt it caused someone else. in a sense, i have been a lifetime liar, protecting others while never protecting myself.
so today, i see that. i acknowledge it. do i want to change it? sure. but for now, i sit with it. in time, without any prompting or forcing, i will change. and as i respect myself, i will respect others greatly.
grace to you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
