17 May 2006

a resurgence approaches.

as i have so much more time to ponder the previously imponderable, i am becoming hypersensitive to my creative, introspective nature. i feel that urge to learn, and to seek after wisdom and God like i haven't in so so long.

i am about to embark on yet another english course, this one called the psychological novel. when i went to sdsu last year to meet with an advisor, i remember sitting in front of this very mysterious, heavily ornamented office door of an unseen professor. i could hear his voice, and saw many students go in and out with papers, but never saw him. his door, and the outlying walls were plastered with pulp art, old movie photos, poems, quotes, spanish, etc. i remember being very curious about what lay just beyond that threshold. well, i will now get to find out. apparently, this one dr. nericcio is going to be my teacher. i went to his numerous websites, which have the exact same ornamentation as the office door. i became deeply fascinated by this seemingly normal looking man (in the photos) who seems wildly obsessed with the obscene, erotic and the hidden.

why? One may ask...Well, because I've been there. Maybe not to the degree that this fellow has, but I have always been somewhat overly curious about what lies beyond the eyes and how I can penetrate the mind of my fellow man. And now, I feel like I may get a chance, in 6 short weeks, to delve into the bizarre curiosities of another human.

reading through his websites, i felt highly inferior to the extensive knowledge that he clearly has on various subjects, which always challenges me to seek out more. obviously he is quite older than me and has a doctorate, thus his knowledge would surpass mine. but it makes me wonder how people get there...how do they come up with the odd dissertation topics and unique obsessions. i am fascinated with erotic art, taking photos in fluorescent-lit rooms and eclectic electronic sounds. but why? and how could i make that my life's work? will fellow students be more astute and educated than i, or will i surpass them? it seems a silly game of comparison, but i always become so challenged when i get back into the area of study that i'm actually interested in: literature and the arts.

the fine artist and the writer always seem to politely coexist, another phenomena that intrigues me. i was once the illustrious art major that touted around my big portfolio like i actually knew something about feeling and depth, which i maybe did to a point. i find it funny that when one gets in upper division art courses, the climate suddenly changes...they become pseudo-intellectuals ready to digress on every facet of the art in question. this is strikingly familiar to my upper division english classes. there are always those few students who can't wait to tell of their latest theory on Lord Byron or oscar wilde; or to prove that they know all about the unique language of joyce. and in these characters, i see myself (the characters being fellow students). if i were the more outspoken, proud type, i could see myself using every available moment to harangue about some topic when i am really just a dilettante. so, there it is. as artists and writers (which are really one in the same, right?) we seem to find it so necessary and urgent to profess our own intellectual state, to prove that we have knowledge (and hopefully more than you) about some rare subject that no one else knows about. yet, the teacher always knows more. i was always proud and honored when a teacher would grade my essays and talk about how unique the topic was. it was like i was something different and special...when really, they'd probably seen it before, and done better. same in art class...when i had a weird series of drawings or photos, i felt special and proud when they were bizarre or questionable...it was like i had become a true artist. but, as for the coexistence, this drive to be different, smart and a bit nutty, seems to be the glue that binds us together. Mathematicians are necessary, but there is an element of the objective which keeps them from confronting the sticky parts of life...answers are black and white and they move on (not to say that they have no philosophical wanderings). but artists and writers question everything, because to them, what they look at or read is completely subjective. they long to challenge what has previously been said, to dissect it into a million parts to understand the deep leanings being the psyche. here in lies why so many of this type are more prone to being liberal-minded, existentialists with a fear of believing in an absolute God.

this is where i often feel in the minority. but that is good, i guess, for my pride...not so much for the people that deny Him. jared always says i'm a paradox and i'm beginning to understand why. somehow, in my brain, i am able to be completely immersed in a subculture of subjective thought, while maintaining a very objective view of spirituality and faith. i am both an existentialist and a Christian, and i'm not sure how the two are reconciled. i hate the objectivity of school and certain classes...but i love the power and absoluteness of God. i love to question meanings behind everything...but i am somehow content with having faith in the Bible and its Word. before jared, i never really noticed this dichotomy, but it becomes more and more apparent as i become a part of the literati. i imagine maybe people like cs lewis and kierkegaard had similar confessions.

the objectivity of Jesus Christ is the ongoing premise for being. so, i guess, i'm not really an existentialist. that would be a complete oxymoron. if their were no solidification in my faith, i wouldn't understand this being that i am. i would be a nihilist who followed nietzsche instead of Jesus. the beauty of the artist, the explorer, the writer, is their quest for knowledge and understanding. to me, it ultimately all leads to God. it seems impossible to explore even the most sensitive, hidden areas of existence without recognizing that it all stems from One. the fact that our brains are even capable of the depths that they are is evidence enough. i suppose God endowed us all with a subjective side or else we'd be robots that only clamored after Him out of obligation. subjectivity allows for love and choice, which can be both a strength and a downfall. but He pines for us to rest in His objectivity out of our own subjectivity.

no artist, writer, biologist or professor can compare with God. all our attempts at godhood through personal conquests and flouting are simply futile.

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